When my brother crossed over in 1998, it was the first time I experienced grieving for someone I had spent my entire life with, someone I love dearly, admire, and truly respect. Grieving is a process that takes time, not an event that just happens and it’s over. The grieving process helped me to heal from my loss, accept my loss, and come to the realization he is no longer with me in the physical world. It became a process of trying to understand my life through death, and truly gave me an opportunity to do some much-needed cleansing and purging. I realized there are also many pent-up emotions that I had pushed down for years coming to the surface to be healed, facilitated by my earthly loss.
I became triggered from my loss and it took time to heal, learn, and grow from the experience. As I allowed the experience to unfold, I finally was able to grasp that he never really left me. Still, to this day, I talk with him. I later learned the phrase “separation is an illusion” and knew what I discovered for myself was indeed real. I learned we all must grieve in our own time and way, but we must honor them and their journey.
When we cross, we return to our authentic self, a natural state of love, just like us. Our healing process and our journey continues. Because we all are connected within the Stream of Consciousness, we never actually leave, only in the physical. Indeed, I miss his physical being and all I had an attachment to, he is very much still with me. My pain is real for me, and that, I needed to heal. I had to allow him to move on, always keeping him alive in my heart, knowing that someday, we will meet again on the other side, and somehow, I’ll be okay the rest of my journey. And somehow, I came to accept that he won’t be coming back, trying to understand that this is a natural cycle of life, no beginning, and no end.
I shed no tears for six months after he passed because I couldn’t allow myself to feel pain anymore. I had felt that was the ultimate in pain, so I denied myself the opportunity to grieve and allow myself to feel anything. I finally cried several years later when I went through some deep emotional healing and found that place in me I couldn’t go. I have embraced my healing journey and all the pain I must endure to succeed in my healing. It never really gets easier for us, but in time we change, and we come to accept our loss, and life goes on, never to be the same. I still admire him, his legacy, and what he taught me, and I still shed a tear and a laugh with him. My life has changed for knowing him, and I will be eternally grateful for him, and knowing him as I do.